This past weekend I attended my cousins wedding. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I loathe any family gathering because it's going to be one huge inconvenience, and this function was no exception. But I'll save that commentary for another time. I'm going to rant about some points about weddings in general.
I understand that a majority of the wedding planning decisions are made by the bride, and it's her "special day" (not to be confused with that other "special day" that comes around every 28 days). It seems like men now make absolutely no attempt to have an opinion on what happenes at this event. If I ever get married (and may God have mercy on the woman that decides to accept that sentence), I will absolutely voice my opinion on things. For instance, why do we need to have 400,000 pictures taken? Why can’t it be a shot of bride and groom at the altar, wedding party at the altar, and immediate families? I don’t want a picture of me in a tux, with my coat over my shoulder and my foot propped up on a concrete step. Who cares!? And why would I want one of me and my groomsmen doing the same thing? Why does there have to be a picture of bride and groom walking into the sunset? From every movie I’ve seen, “walking into the sunset” signals the end of something, and that’s always a good message to send, that life is over once you get married!
And that brings me to another point. Why don’t people get married in churches anymore? And why are there so many “non-denominational” weddings? It’s the puss-ification of America! People are afraid of offending someone or imposing on their religious beliefs. Well if you’re going to be offended by attending a wedding mass, then don’t come! That’s why there’s a check box on the invitation that says “not able to attend”! Again, if I had my way in planning a wedding, it would be held in a Catholic church, and a full mass would be said. And just for effect, I would request that the mass be said in Latin, the way it was 50 years ago, when things were simpler and everyone wasn’t worried about offending Great Aunt Sally because she’s Methodist and doesn’t understand that there are other belief systems in the world!
So guys, stand up for yourselves! The words "I do" do not have to coupled with you handing over your testicles to some broad! If you want to have steak on the menu, along with whatever tofu hippie bullshit she read about in Cosmo, then by God have it! Just never forget the credo of the married man..."Women - Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em!"
helmet while in your tux trying to draw modern art on a chalkboard (underwater
wtf?) upside-down. Oh, and all your uncles combine their efforts to fart into
your air supply while you do it. Posted by Xelger at 5:32pm on Aug/16/2010