The Craptank

NNYYAAAARRRGGHH

Am I the only one who thinks that identification sketch of the baby grace kid is reeeallly creepy? I mean, even without my slight photoshop job. She reminds me of something that's likely to pop out of the washing machine in the middle of the night for the sole purpose of drinking your blood and consuming your living flesh raw right off the bone.

You can almost understand why her parents killed her. She probably came walking up behind them in the dark and their startled reaction went something like: AHHH! What the fuck is that!? I don't know, but I feel like it's trying to suck out my soul! Jesus christ it's coming closer!! Quick! Kill it! KILL IT!!

Unless you've been chained in the basement over the last couple of years, you've come to realize that baseball is no longer the national past time. How did this happen? Well it has been widely documented that baseball's decline is completely the fault of that arrogant cock Barry Bonds. But the important point that I'm trying to make here is that something was needed to fill the void left by baseball. That something, of course, is video games.

But if there's anything better than actually playing video games, it has to be watching people talk about video games using crudely animated... animation to go along with their narrative. Case in point: Zero Punctuation. Zero Punctuation is a weekly(?) video game review put together by some British chap who goes by the name Yahtzee. You really gotta check this out. His review of Halo 3 and Console Rundown videos are fucking hilarious.

Special thanks go to Motsco for sending me a link to this stuff a while back (probably could have done without the 2girls1cup link however). Anyway, if you want a Craptank account, IM me.

Originally Posted: 6/6/2003



A while back, Ford produced a model called the Tempo. Tempo. A name that would seem to convey speed.. or at least a wide range of possible speeds. If you've ever been stuck behind someone driving a tempo however, you'll quickly realize that these people only have about two speeds: slow and damn slow. In fact, I cant think of any time in my life that i've ever been following someone driving a tempo who was doing so at a decent speed.

If there is one factor as to why people behind the wheel of these cars drive so slowly, i'd have to say it's old people... And its just like uncle George told you... Old people drive like they fuck - slow and sloppy.

Sometimes I just wish I had one of those programmable LED signs attached to the front of my car. That way I could type in some helpful comments to help my slow friend correct her shitty driving.

In other news: Yes I said "her" ... its usually a woman driver anyway.
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Welcome the first of many "Craptank Classics" to come. The classic turds wont necessarily be posted in their original order. Not a whole lot to say about this one other than I really do want that sign.. it would be of great help in expressing to my fellow Seattle drivers how they should quit fucking around and get out of the way. God I hate how everyone around here drives 5mph under the posted speed limit!

Do you ever wonder to yourself, "What can I do to be a complete prick at a kiosk-run gas station?" Allow me to enlighten you, as there are a few ways people found to piss me off when I work gas.

#1: Never use your credit/debit card at the pump. Always opt to "Pay Inside" and slap your card down at the attendant's station, wasting everyone's time and adding unnecessary effort to complete the transaction.

#2: Never follow the on-screen instructions on the pump. Assume that you know what you're doing, hit a couple random buttons, and bitch to the attendant when it doesn't do anything.

#3: Never pay attention to the signs posted on the pumps. The reading material on the pumps are never important. Messages like "In cooperation with your bank, the pump stops automatically at $100 for a credit card transaction" are only for antisocial geeks, and should always be ignored.

#4: Try to pay with a check, even though practically no gas station in the world that operates out of a small kiosk accepts checks.

#5: Start pumping, and pay while you have the pump handle set to automatically keep pumping for you. Bitch at the attendant when the pump exceeds the amount you paid, even though the attendant has no control over your pump when you start it up before paying.

I'm sure, with enough time, I could come up with a good many more, but I think that's enough to get my point across. A firearm should be a mandatory piece of "customer service" equipment.

America is full of oversensitive pansies. This rampant pussification has been steadily growing like the mold you found on the leftover tuna casserole that’s been abandoned in the bottom drawer of the fridge for several months. And much like said fungus, it has finally grown to the point where there’s almost no place left that’s free of the disease.

The latest example that has been floating around the news was the incident where a Department of Homeland Security employee managed to offend somebody with their Halloween costume. For those unaware or too lazy to read the link, I’ll summarize: Some dude who works for the immigration arm of the DHS shows up to the Halloween party wearing a striped prison jumpsuit, dark skin makeup, and dreadlocks. He gets praised by everyone for his creativity, or at least until someone noticed he was wearing makeup to make his skin look darker. Mass hysteria ensues as the man is put on administrative leave and an investigation is launched.

What’s the big deal here? Is he trying to imply through his costume choice that all blacks are criminals? Doubtful. The guy dresses up as a black inmate and somehow it’s considered inappropriate. How much you wanna bet that the person(s) who took offense were white? People love to get upset and make a scene for the sole purpose of trying to prove to others that they aren’t racist or insensitive. Get a grip.

Even if this guy is the most racist dung wad to walk the earth since Al Sharpton, there are still a few problems with this whole situation. First off, they put the guy on administrative leave. That means he’s still being paid, except now he’s not actually doing any work to deserve it. Congratulations America. Your tax dollar is helping to pay for this guy to sit around at home and watch The Price Is Right. If that isn’t bad enough, consider the following: The Department of Homeland Security is actually spending time and money to investigate fucking Halloween costumes!!!

All of this because someone has to bitch and moan every time they don’t like something they see. Some people need to get a sense of humor and shut up instead of constantly crying foul and making a big deal out of nothing.